Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Oh god it's open bar.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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