Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
