I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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