Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
