Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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