Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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