I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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