i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
