So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize