If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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