Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
