Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
