My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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