You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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