Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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