I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
