A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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