I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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