How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
