He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
