I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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