College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
