im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
