Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(928): View more from Arizona

i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now

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(914): View more from New York

my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet

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(850): View more from Florida

When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..

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(845): View more from New York

then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I’m calling dibs!

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!

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