Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
