I just threw up on my dentist
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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