saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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