i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
