so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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