She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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