My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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