Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
