trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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