I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
