It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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