paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
