Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
