Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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