sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
