Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
