he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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