I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
