I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
