i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
