It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
