Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
