maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
