see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
