i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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