I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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