He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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