If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Randomize
