You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
