I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
